/!\ Appreciation & Worth /!\

Well now this is a topic I love discussing because I believe that I can argue this so well and thoroughly. This is due to the fact I have gone through this SOO much, my life was a lonely mess of depreciation, me constantly doubting my worth in this world, constantly questioning how much value I had  and even to the point I'd even start demeaning myself, i was a pessimistic dumb ass ... this wasn't long ago, but I consider it long, from basically ever since my high school life I've had issues with this every now and than it coming and going. I've overcome it but now it comes back every now and than, when you have those occasions, you feel you're being used, you're being treated like a spare tire?? Yes theres that side of depreciation and there's the worthlessness you feel when you're being doubted, demeaned, or degraded or misunderstood....a lot of shit can relate to feeling worthless and when you're thinking deep and depressed, stupid stuff can make you feel worthless.

But when I was a kid all that would upset me was my incompetence and ignorance towards the way my family treated me, I used to think they were bad to me and that i deserved better treatment. Well after a little growing up little things like your dad saying no to you aren't a big deal anymore. However because that goes bigger things come in to start this up again. Do you know how hard it is to comfort people?? It's not hard to listen, everyone has the power to listen, and if you've got experience and wisdom on your side, advice and help come into this comfort, but you want to know the hard thing about it?? Will you go unappreciated? That is a dangerous concept, because it can hurt you a lot, to mean nothing but good and with all intentions being good while helping someone you get it slammed back at you to say as if you're not worthy of helping them or that you're too weak for their need.

Sometimes that's not the case but usually that's what gets me, time after time I've helped people and than something comes along to destroy this or something leads me to become phased out so than I'm left thinking to myself, why did I try in the first place?

It's not always like that, a lot of the times with the help I give I make new friends or I strengthen the already existing ones so it helps me not think about depressing things such as depreciation and worthlessness... Meh I hate this time of my life at the moment, nothing seems to be going right and my past depression keeps creeping back to me, I can't do anything right and well I've been doing a lot of stupid stuff lately. I even managed to throw another relationship into the furnace of failure, or at least almost if it isn't already there =( that's another friendship I might not get back and for what, letting my thoughts get the best of me...I usually preach to people I help or motivate think of yourself first, yet with helping others that cannot be the case, and if I try that once it sabotages any relationship you have. Not only that but I can't follow my own advice on anything, being me I find ways to doubt myself, I think my way through any advice I give myself. I really wish I had a hand to pull me out of my fucked up mind right now, I need a distraction, or better yet some help for myself of my own =(

.....I'm stopping this post here because with my pessimistic thinking at the moment I can't find the positives of this topic at all to mention. It was the satisfaction of helping others, it was the thought of knowing I've helped them solve their problems, but at this time I really can't see it as being a valid reason. I wish I could right all the mistakes I've made before, or even current ones but nothing is ever that simple now is it?